Can We Be Done with These 4 Unhelpful Distractions and Actually Focus on Healing?

Making moves towards genuine healing

I sense a growing purpose and obsession that is coming into my life. There are themes that exist between my entering into recovery from alcoholism as well as managing through the grief following the loss of our child. I never could have predicted the tight coupling between these two journeys, but at their core they are both about integrating intense experiences into the fabric of your life, healing from them and ultimately growing due to their materialization in one’s life.

While I have the lived experience at this point, that lived experience is being supplemented by diving into research, writings of others and exploring the topic in my own work. In my time investigating this space, there are a plethora of click-bait headlines (guilty) with little to no substance (I hope to be less guilty here). Overall, though, there are some topics or practices that are straight up distracting, unhelpful or both and should be stopped NOW.

Here they are, in no particular order.

The softening of language (e.g. SUDs vs. Alcoholic)

Calling something by a different name does not soften its unbelievable destructive capacity. Yes, words have incredible power and can be used maliciously. I do feel there are boundaries to some words. Just not how I have seen it practiced within recovery and healing from grief.

Lately, there has been a big push to not use the terms “alcoholic” and “addict”. They are sharp, stinging words that carry a stigma and hurt those that suffer from the malady. Or so they say. Instead, phrases such as “Substance Use Disorder” are being promoted. Every chemical and compound seemingly in existence are getting their own “-Use Disorder” tagged to it.

As a master manipulator myself for well over 12 years, I explored the literature and definitions of Substance Use Disorder versus Substance Abuser versus enter in the latest fad name that is ultimately there to soften the blow of someone facing up with their actual issue - suffering from alcoholism. I danced around the edges of these softer names so that I didn’t have to face up and say the word “alcoholic” in association with myself.

Yet, not hiding from the label of alcoholic is what saved my life. If you’re dancing the edges between SUDs, Substance Abuser, Substance Super User (legit called myself this for a bit) and alcoholic, just stop. Your life is probably falling apart even more while this is all going on and I urge you to recognize that you’re taking part in a deadly dance.

Imagine if a large space rock¹ were barreling its way towards earth and was confirmed that it would bring complete and utter destruction to the world. Now imagine that the world started arguing about continuing to call these large space rocks “asteroids” or if we should think of a different name like “genius igneous” or “magical metamorphic” to make some of us feel like we’re contributing and to distract others from what is about to occur.

It’s a waste of time and does not change the outcome when such a destructive force is barreling right towards you and your life is falling apart.

Obsessing over Trauma and answering the “Why?” question for everything in life

I want to be clear here, I’m not downplaying the impact or importance of understanding major events in one’s life. I’m just saying that the feeling that one needs to fully understand everything surrounding a traumatic event before healing can occur is far from the truth.

I have read seemingly genuine articles from licensed professionals declaring that no healing can occur before a deep analysis and understanding of past trauma is fully complete. Not only is this poor and shady practice by the licensed professional, it is so obviously false. Myself, and countless others, in recovery have spent significant time in recovery without fully understanding the impacts of past events in our lives.

I found there to be a simple model for understanding if you’re prepared and capable of taking healing action. Ask yourself these questions:

1. Is my life unmanageable?

2. Do I desire a more manageable life?

If you answer a double “Yes” to the above questions, GREAT! You can start working towards the betterment of your life right now. You don’t need to sit around and fully understand every single aspect of your past and its ramifications on your current state to make progress.

Will it likely be a part of a complete and transformational healing process to understand, accept and even forgive individuals or circumstances who may seem unforgivable due to some past traumatic event? Yes, that is highly probable. Is it required to begin the healing journey? Absolutely not.

Your therapist is going to encourage you to explore the depths and impacts of past events in your life just as a barber is going to say you need a haircut. Understand their incentives, and ultimately you be the one to decide when action is needed. There is healing power in understanding root causes, but it is not a requirement for progress to be made.

Applauding Vulnerability

We need to stop chasing finger snaps from peers by calling some action or behavior “vulnerable”. First of all, it’s probably not technically vulnerability you’re applauding because this word has had a growing list of misuse in the last few years. Second of all, vulnerability is not helpful in isolation, as the act alone does not lead to integration, healing and growth. Humility and willingness to act are what I believe the vast majority of people look up to in other’s stories and then they misapply the term vulnerability because it’s all the rage.

Here is Oxford Dictionary’s definition of vulnerability - the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.

I wrote about this last summer and over the past months have strengthened my stand. By applauding vulnerability, we generally cause people to believe that is all that is needed, when in reality there is so much crucial work to be done to mitigate against a real vulnerability in life.

Here’s my advice. If you recognize a true vulnerability in your life, work your ass off to shore up that vulnerability and ensure that you minimize your potential for being “attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally”. I don’t want that for any of you.

Thinking that Empathy matters

Listen, I’m going to be straight here. Being on the receiving end of this, nothing is quite so useless as someone who has clearly never lived your own experience trying to “put themselves in your shoes” when they’re talking to you. They’ll generally apologize for you having to live the experience that you had to go through. Just stop. I experienced this both with my battle with alcoholism as well as after losing Lucy.

I know my experience. When someone who has clearly not walked that road before starts talking like their own boots are caked in the same mud that lay on the path that I had walked, it’s insulting. The problem is, it’s our cultures default, and our culture sucks at this, we’re completely out of practice. Our Western culture playbook reads like this:

1. Apologize (what people are apologizing for I could never figure out).

2. State “you don’t deserve this”

3. Empathize (or at least attempt)

This played out over and over in our lives, especially after losing Lucy. This is a cringy experience from the perspective of the person receiving this treatment, and I guarantee that nearly everyone here has ran this playbook. I have myself. I even catch myself defaulting to it today, even after everything we have experienced as a family. As citizens of the Western culture, it’s how we were taught.

Here’s a new set of plays for you. These came from experiences with friends and strangers alike that truly rose up during difficult moments or conversations and really stood out to us.

Avoid Empathizing - instead, state this: “I have sympathy for everything you’re going through, but I cannot empathize because I haven’t lived it.” One person said this to me after losing Lucy and it felt like the freshest breath of air. The person was being real and honest, and I was able to have a genuine conversation with them.

Listen - instead of postulating about how someone must feel as one works their way through an empathy exercise, try this on for size. State, “I recognize you are going through a lot right now. How are you doing? Can I help you in anyway?” and then shut up and listen.

I’ll once again just speak from my own experience here, I grew upset and distracted whenever someone started attempting to empathize with our situation who clearly had never been through it. Now, when someone had the same or similar experience and had traveled the road before us, as soon as that connection was made I clung to them with a strong attraction.

Real, genuine and healing empathy can only be given by those who have traveled these roads before you. It’s ok if you don’t have the same lived experience as us, it would be such a boring world and life if we did all share the same set of experiences.

Overall, I think our culture has largely lost the art, talent and experience of guiding each other through moments of intense loss, suffering, grief and healing. If you have similar experiences, frustrations or disagree with my perspective, let me know. The lost art of integrating moments of suffering, healing and growth is an avenue I plan on exploring more, so I’d love to hear from you on your experiences. Drop a comment or send me an email if you have something to say on it.

That’s all I’ve got.

Love to you all,

Kyle

1. Surprisingly, this is the first time in my life that I have ever Googled “asteroid sizes that could decimate earth”. Fun tangent.